


remembered, for now and evermore

by minimalcoloration



Series: lead me to the edge [3]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Gen, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Moving On, Patch 5.3: Reflections in Crystal Spoilers, Post-Patch 5.3: Reflections in Crystal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25899745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minimalcoloration/pseuds/minimalcoloration
Summary: Perhaps they are not similar, perhaps she still retains her mortality even as her aether fluctuates and breeds obsessive thoughts, but she understands.
Series: lead me to the edge [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1456339
Kudos: 2





	remembered, for now and evermore

**Author's Note:**

> I've farmed the Seat of Sacrifice 20+ times and every single time I've cried

_A primal of salvation_ fits too close to home, sometimes. Sunwalker gazes down at her own open hand, flexes her fingers, and frowns. Y’shtola’s words in Amaurot ring heavy in her mind, the heaviest anything has ever been, casting an awful shadow over her heart. The fight atop the Crystal Tower lingers alongside them, the image of Elidibus gazing upon the constellations burned into her memory. In the heat of the moment it never hit her, the adrenaline making her focus, the final remnants of Hades forcing her to finish the fight, to win. Even when the fight was won, she had never once stopped, never once considered the weight of his existence on her soul. 

Were they not similar? Sunwalker thinks back to her final moments in the heart of Bahamut, to the sensation of her burning aether, the desperation when she decided that draining the dreadwyrm was the best thing to do- the only thing she had left. What had she wished for then, if not salvation? If not to save Alphinaud and Alisaie, if not to save herself, if not to save _the world_ ? Her mind denies her this thought, reminds her that they are not the same- she has not lived with her consequences for thousands of years, but her heart reminds her she _could_. The price she paid that lonely night in the coils haunts her every day, the hunger for aether and obsessive, intrusive memories of a time not belonging to her, the border between who she is truly and who she has become is blurry and distorted like worn bindings on a tome. For so long she has feared the same, that one day she would wake up and forget the reason she strides ever forward, that she would forget the ghosts that haunt her, the father that raised her. Sunwalker takes a deep breath in, the air around her chilly even in the warmth of the rising stones. In that frighteningly cold year in Ishgard, how close was she to becoming like him? Purposeless, fighting forever for a goal with no more roots, obsessive and adamant… she exhales.

“I was wondering where you had gone off to.” Alphinaud’s voice cuts her out of her thoughts, and she forces her shaking hand back to her knee with a force that will surely bruise later. Sunwalker smiles, making a motion for him to join her- something he gladly takes.

“Oh you know, I needed time to myself after everything that’s gone down.” It isn’t really a lie, after saving _a whole shard_ twice, she’s feeling...tired. Though, tiredness shows in the form of hunger these years.

“You do more for us than we can ever hope to repay,” Alphinaud smiles and sits straight, “you deserve it.”

“You’ve paid me back well enough.” Sunwalker replies, rubbing her hand on her sore knee. “I wouldn’t have lived to my next nameday had you all not intervened.” At her words Alphinaud’s smile falters as he takes the time to think what next to say.

“This is not your burden alone, L’mihn, we can keep looking for a way to reverse your corruption-” Alphinaud is cut off by a shake of Sunwalker’s head, a weary smile adorning her face.

“There’s no need for that anymore. I’ve given it all of my knowledge and even pushed G’raha to look into it with me to no avail. The damage is too severe, if I was to separate the Dreadwyrm’s aether from mine now it’d only kill me.” The truth pains her as it pains him, she watches him run through the information looking for loopholes that don't exist while she glances down at her hand again. If he had asked her earlier, she would have agreed if only to rid herself of her sins once and for all. But now... 

“There must be some way…” Alphinaud mutters, brows furrowed and lips pursed. “Perhaps…” Sunwalker stands from her seat by the table and places a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t.” Somehow, she knows Alphinaud would never give up on the idea that she would be better, nor does she really want him to give up. If by some miracle he managed to find the solution, to free her from these chains, she’d take it in a heartbeat. But there are things more important. “It’s under control now, remember?” Alphinaud, honestly, doesn’t look convinced.

“After witnessing what happened on the First… I have my doubts.” Alphinaud’s earnestness and his concerned frown makes Sunwalker pause for a second. There are a lot of things she can say, about how the light’s corruption was nowhere near as devastating as Bahamut’s, but none of them would work to soothe his doubt. Even she, at the time, was convinced that she would perish, that the light would do what the dreadwyrm couldn’t- consume her. 

“I’ll be fine.” Sunwalker reaffirms with a squeeze to his shoulder, leaning against the table in front of him. “Y’shtola keeps me in check all the time, and if anything goes wrong... I know you’ll be the first to know.” With a smile she pats his head. Pushing herself off she makes for the door. Alphinaud makes no other offering of words, left to his own thoughts like she is hers.

Sunwalker supposes, in a way she always has, that perhaps she was the only one who understood the best. Azem’s constellation, _her_ constellation, stares back at her as she turns the stone in her hands. There’s a quiet voice that says it’s ill fitting, that she does not deserve to be the sun- but she can’t find anything else for it to be. She thinks back to Hades, whose cold words and even colder gaze respected her more than anyone had done before, to the smile he granted when she promised she would not forget. Elidibus appears in her mind again, frustrated by her words, by his loss of purpose. Again and again she watches him search desperately for the memories he held dear, for the people he held dear, only to be left in the dark. Perhaps they are not similar, perhaps she still retains her mortality even as her aether fluctuates and breeds obsessive thoughts, but she understands. Back then she had wished for the power to spare others her pain, and in doing so had become a monster, the self same demon that ruined their lives. Perhaps, while she could never hope to side with him, she could take solace in knowing she understood. In that understanding she looks at the scars in her aether, the price she paid not to avenge but to _protect,_ thinks of the people she never quite saw again- of the people she ignored in her obsession with vengeance, of the scions who stood by her side even as she succumbed to a monster of her own doing, to the unsundered who left their memories in her hands, and the image of what she could have been. Perhaps Elidibus had forgotten his purpose in the thousands of years leading to their encounter, but she will never forget- for him and for those who have faith in her. In all of her duty as the 14th, and in all of her glory as the Warrior of Light, she will remember them.

  
  


G’raha looks incredulous when she lets him know. Sunwalker expected as much, it’s not every day that he’s asked to stop all of his research into her condition, and the worried look he holds is enough to lead her to believe he thinks she’s given in. 

“May I ask why?” Somehow, the question breeches personal boundaries, and he grows ever worried as she takes the time to contemplate.

There’s no words for the feeling she wants to explain, her thoughts only make sense in her mind and not in her words. For all of her years of loathing herself, of loathing the primal that always threatened to consume her, to suddenly decide to accept it is far-fetched. In her heart she had known this was the solution, to accept her demons and grow stronger, to keep the memories alive so she would never forget, but how could she explain the importance of her scars to someone who had never witnessed them? All of the days she kept quiet about the truth behind her condition to G’raha come back to ruin her in one singular moment. 

“It’s important to me.” It’s all Sunwalker can manage, and while she notices the piqued interest in his face, he keeps quiet and nods. In his face she sees the similar feelings, of not knowing the extent but understanding, and the relief when he doesn’t question further is all she needs.Through the myriad of questions on his face, he accepts her and that is more than she could ask for.

Y’shtola and Thancred take her decision much the same way, though Y’shtola had made a passing comment about speaking to Y’mhitra regarding her studies, as if Y’mhitra had much say in her studies recently. Sunwalker gives a small prayer for Y’mhitra, a distant apology for what was about to be a rather lengthy conversation to come. She’ll find a way to make it up to her later, when she’s not under ‘house arrest’ for overuse of her aether. Though ‘house arrest’ just meant that no one was allowed to ask Sunwalker for help, lest her aether fester again. It was more like ‘mandatory vacation’, something she’s glad for, really.

“Though,” Y’shtola taps her knuckle against her cheek, “I would much prefer someone going with you to prevent any accidents.” There’s a slyness in her smile that Sunwalker knows all too well and she suddenly regrets mentioning a single word to her. “Perhaps we could use it as a learning experience for a certain novice adventurer.”

“Absolutely not.” Sunwalker says, a little _too_ rushed out. The thought of G’raha coming with her is a pleasant one, and had she not wished to be alone she would have agreed with it. However, there are some lines that she doesn’t want crossed and one of them just so happened to be _any and all matters pertaining to the aetheric composition of her body and soul as a side effect of merging with a primal._ Y’shtola however, never loses her motherly smile as Thancred looks between them.

Alisaie offers to come along when Sunwalker brings it up over a tart date, even though she herself is also forbidden from combat for the foreseeable future. Sunwalker doesn’t bring it up, lest Alisaie try to sweet talk her way into tagging along _anyway_ . Urianger overhears them and offers to do a card reading for her, but Sunwalker denies it out of the wellness of both her own being and their sanity from hearing Urianger discuss astrology _yet again_.

“Come back safe, okay?” Alisaie leans forward and shoots her a serious look. “You still need to have a fair match with me, you _owe_ me _._ ” When she sits back she has a smirk on her face, arms crossed and Sunwalker blinks. “Next time I’ll beat you fair and square.” 

“Really now?” Catching on, Sunwalker pushes her half eaten tart away and grins. “I guess I’ll have to make sure that I come back to prove you wrong huh?”

“You better.” Alisaie takes her fork and digs into Sunwalker’s tart. “Or I’ll never forgive you.”

  
  


Sunwalker adjusts the clip for her book, makes sure that it won’t slip out but will still be ready for combat- _if_ there’s combat. Her carbuncle curls its tail around her ankle while she waits and goes over the items for her adventure. Mostly counting the ethers she has, since the wild only offers so little, the last thing she wants is to collapse. The cost of being, well, her. Running footsteps make her ears perk up and she looks up. G’raha dashes in, most assuredly due to Y’shtola’s involvement- she never intended to offer him a chance to come with her. 

“Y’shtola told me you were leaving.” G’raha rubs his forearm with his free hand, looking shy. “I came to see you off.” It’s cute, and Sunwalker sighs, a defeated smile crossing her mind.

“She told you to watch over me didn’t she?” When G’raha nods she closes her eyes in thought, mulls it over enough times to cause a headache. She _could_ say no, nothing’s stopping her, and G’raha has enough respect to leave her without any arguments, but she thinks back to the crystal tower on the first and makes a decision.

“Well, are you ready then?” Sunwalker takes her bag and puts the strap cross body. G’raha looks surprised until he sees her smile. “I promised you didn’t I?” Her words make him smile and he mirrors her confidence in his nod. Taking his hand, Sunwalker pulls him out of the Rising Stones. In reality, she doesn’t know how things are going to go with him there, but she’s not letting anything be forgotten, not anymore.


End file.
